One of Perel’s central ideas is that there is a tension between intimacy and desire. Contrary to our popular understanding, she suggests that intimacy and desire are often at odds. Intimacy is about closeness, familiarity, and security, while desire is fuelled by mystery, novelty, and uncertainty. Although both are crucial for a satisfying relationship, when couples prioritise emotional intimacy over desire, they may find that their sexual passion wanes over time.<br/One of Perel’s central ideas is that there is a tension between intimacy and desire. Contrary to our popular understanding, she suggests that intimacy and desire are often at odds. Intimacy is about closeness, familiarity, and security, while desire is fuelled by mystery, novelty, and uncertainty. Although both are crucial for a satisfying relationship, when couples prioritise emotional intimacy over desire, they may find that their sexual passion wanes over time.
Perel argues that couples can cultivate desire by creating space for mystery and novelty in their relationship. This can involve anything from trying new sexual positions to exploring new hobbies together. By keeping things fresh and unpredictable, couples can reignite the spark of desire that may have been lost over time.

Implicit in the notion of desire is a distance between you and another. Counterintuitively, couples must maintain a sense of separateness within their relationships. While it’s important to communicate effectively and stay emotionally connected, Perel argues that too much togetherness can lead to a loss of individual identity and a decrease in sexual desire. She suggests that couples make time for their own hobbies, interests, and friendships and for time apart from each other. This can help maintain a sense of independence and keep the relationship dynamic and exciting.

If you are experiencing problems with sexual intimacy, a few strategies can help you rekindle desire and maintain a healthy couple relationship.

Perel challenges the notion that good communication is the key to a healthy sexual relationship. While communication is important, too much emphasis on talking can stifle desire. Couples do well by focusing more on nonverbal communication, such as touch, eye contact, and body language, to build intimacy and desire. This can involve holding hands, cuddling, or sitting in silence together.

One of the first steps is to recognise the tension between emotional intimacy and sexual desire. Consider making space for mystery and novelty in your relationship without neglecting your emotional connection and closeness. For example, try a new restaurant, start new hobbies, surprise each other with thoughtful gifts, spontaneous dates, or leave notes in unexpected places.

Another strategy for couples is maintaining a sense of separateness within the relationship. This can involve making time for individual interests, as well as for time apart from each other. By keeping a sense of independence, couples can avoid becoming too enmeshed in each other’s lives, which can stifle desire.

Nonverbal communication is also crucial. Focus more on touch, eye contact, and body language to communicate your desire for each other. This can involve simple gestures like holding hands, hugging, or giving each other a massage. This may, at first, feel awkward and forced, but that adds an element of novelty to your relationship.

Erotic intelligence involves understanding one’s own desires and needs, as well as those of one’s partner. It includes a willingness to explore and experiment with new sexual experiences while respecting each other’s sexual preferences and boundaries. Developing erotic intelligence does require open communication, but not at the expense of mystery and novelty.

In certain situations, couples need support to navigate the complexities of their emotional and sexual intimacy. Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy that addresses sexual issues and concerns, such as low libido, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, sexual pain, or difficulties with intimacy and communication. It is a specialised field, and psychologists with the necessary training in human sexuality can provide support and guidance to individuals and couples seeking to improve their sexual relationships. Sex therapy sessions may involve a combination of talk therapy, education, and practical exercises or techniques to enhance your sex life.